Inside of the Darkness
by Kurisu
Summary: (one sided Riku/Sora) "Do I hate what I love? Or is it the other way around?"


My first Kingdom Hearts fic. (have mercy on me. ;_;) ^_^ I've taken a liking to Riku recently, and I thought I'd write this. Once I play the game again and get more of Riku's personality, I might revise it. As it is, I haven't even beaten the game yet (I'm close!). This is one-sided Riku/Sora. ^__^   
The lyrics are from "Birdcage", by Gackt (listen to it. ;_;), translated from Japanese by Mina-P. And the characters of this kickass game don't belong to me. ^_^   
This fic takes place shortly before Sora, Donald, and Goofy enter Hollow Bastion for the first time. I know it's not night when they arrive, or raining, but I thought it would be a nice effect. ^^;   
One more note: if Riku's feelings are a bit confusing, it was done on purpose. ^^;;; I would think that in his situation, there would be confusion involved....*was confused too*  
  
  
I come to this balcony every night, only to watch the stars amongst the night sky. Even being taken by the darkness, I still admire them for their light, for their will to shine amongst the blackness that covers the skies. It's a perfect contrast, the darkness and the light.  
  
From these thoughts, I'm reminded of him...of the light...of the darkness. For him and I, it has always been like this. Him, the light...me...the darkness. They say opposites attract. I feel...we're the perfect opposites.  
  
To blend together in such a contrary situation, it's almost painful. I've known him since his birth, since I was barely out of my first year of living. Since then, we've always been together, never parting. We were best friends, only having the other to be with.  
  
  
_Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories   
They're still too far off for me, filthy as I am now_  
  
  
From then, I was in love with the light. He was the perfect example, the quintessence of light, of all things innocent and pure. In my soul, I cannot live without him, I cannot even breathe without him. Even on days when he would be sick, and could not stay near me, I would go to him.  
  
Without him, I'm lost in an endless sea of darkness.  
  
I never forget, though he might have. Those days when it was just us...just me and Sora. That is, until a young girl washed up onto the shores of our home, the Destiny Islands. We became friends with her, the girl known as Kairi.  
  
The girl I never cared for.  
  
Though, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have had the dream of seeing the other worlds, of even thinking that there was a world beyond ours. She opened a door to me, an idea that I wanted only to bring him into, without Kairi. It was my idea to leave, of course...but just us two...without her.  
  
But he was in love with her. I can tell...he still is. He cares for nothing else...doesn't he?  
  
Maybe my heart is too tainted with darkness, that he could not love me like he does her......  
  
  
_Inside of the darkness, I called your name over and over again   
Inside of the endless time, there's no one there but you_  
  
  
I knew it would happen.  
  
I used to dream of the darkness, of the Heartless, of endless doors. And of Sora.  
  
On that night, the sky was as blacker as ever, with storms raging. I can't remember much of it, only walking out to the island, reaching my hand out to him as I was taken...and knowing that I would never return.   
Now is our chance...  
  
Kairi was lost, my only hope that she would be lost forever. Inside, where the darkness now resides, my hate is for her. I wanted to search for the other worlds, yet, if she hadn't washed up on our shores, it wouldn't have happened...this wouldn't have happened...  
  
He wouldn't have abandoned me for those...animals.  
  
He wouldn't have fell in love with her...shown her the light that I've loved ever since its birth into the heart of...  
  
Closing my eyes, I refuse to watch the stars. Even with their brightness, they could never compare to his light. Lightly touching the keyblade in my hand, his image comes to mind. He's everything I hate now...I hate the light...I hate Sora...  
  
And yet, I cannot live without him.  
  
It was as though everything in my heart was being contradicted. Love and hate...they're not so far off as everyone would like to think. Rather, they border each other, as though darkness and light.  
  
Do I hate what I love?  
  
Or is it the other way around?  
  
I hate you.  
  
And yet, I still call to you.  
  
I still search for you.  
  
  
_I lock myself up, unable to even atone   
I can't do anything but pray...my sadness is not cured_  
  
  
These final moments are going by swiftly. Soon, they will be arriving. I wanted one last look at everything, one last thought, before I gave myself to darkness.  
  
Opening my eyes once again, I stare at the stars, at a sky without a moon. The moon had disappeared many nights ago, and I suspect it won't return, not after the Keyhole has been opened. Without the sky's silver fortune, the stars shine brighter than they ever have. It almost makes me think of Sora.  
  
I don't want to think about him anymore, but the images keep coming to mind.  
  
He abandoned me.  
  
He no longer matters.  
  
And I am the true Keyblade Master.  
  
No matter how much I picture it in my mind, Sora leaving me for them, for Kairi, the image of us back then would contradict it in an instant. Somewhere, inside his light, he yearns for the darkness still, for me.  
  
Light cannot live without darkness, I've learned that.  
  
Just like I cannot live without Sora, I know he cannot exist without me.  
  
  
_I tore off a single damp petal from a hydrangea   
It floats in a puddle, and I remember you_  
  
  
I can feel it growing stronger, the darkness. It grows stronger within me, tainting every part of my existence. I revel within it, almost forgetting that light exists, and then remembering him. And it becomes clear, for that one second in time.  
  
Sora.  
  
He's getting closer, I can feel it.  
  
I stand up from the window, and began my walk to the entrance of Hollow Bastion. Memory after memory appears, until I find the one that I refuse to remember. My steps become heavy, my heart becoming painful--was it the darkness eating away at it, or the fact that I have to lay eyes upon the only one I've ever felt love for?--at every step.  
  
I gave that paopu fruit to you...so that you might share it with me...that our destinies would be intertwined...that we would be together for eternity...that I would belong to you and vice versa...that light would merge with darkness...  
  
...that you would love me and only me...for eternity.  
  
And you refused it all.  
  
  
_In the evening just after the rain, I faintly heard the far off whistle of a ship   
For some reason, it made me sad_  
  
  
Heavier and heavier, it becomes, almost a chore. I can't remember the path to the entrance hall, yet the darkness guides me to my destination. Every step is forgotten in a split second, nothing remembered. Only thoughts of my light, now lost, taken away from me by everything I would ever hate.  
  
...I hate you, Sora...you are the death of me.  
  
I notice that thinking, or even mentioning hate, brings this dull pain deep within. Possibly, it is the darkness transforming me, teaching me the benefits of hate and pain. Yet, I am still capable of love...  
  
...it dulls the pain even more...  
  
It begins to rain.  
  
I can hear the soft sound of the rain falling onto the castle, becoming harder with every move that I make, and then staying in its position. I still love the rain...it purifies in ways I could never imagine.  
  
Now, I can never be purified.  
  
  
_If I can't be forgiven, then everything can disappear   
The sadness and the pain, to the world that doesn't need anything_  
  
  
Sora.   
My eyes meet yours, and I can feel a certain drowning in those eyes...of the seas...of the sky. They've left me, just like you have. I feel the darkness speak from within, all my hate carried to my voice.  
  
"So, you finally made it. About time. I've been waiting for you."  
  
I've been waiting for you, Sora.  
  
"We've always been rivals, haven't we? You've always pushed me as I've always pushed you."  
  
And I hear you speak my name, your voice lost...where has it escaped to?  
  
"Let the Keyblade choose...its true master."  
  
The Keyblade disappears from his hand, only to reappear into mine. Shock and confusion clouds his eyes. He's not familiar with me anymore, and yet, to me, he is still the same...still the light.  
  
I mention Kairi's name again...for me to save Kairi. She is far from my mind...I could care less about her. I just want to hurt him...to make him feel the guilt he should feel...I hate you...  
  
Why do I still love you?  
  
I toss his wooden sword to him, the one only he held in what seemed like an eternity. I look into his eyes once more, witnessing tears of sadness...for what? For Kairi? Certainly, not for me.  
  
He could care less.  
  
And as I disappear, I can hear him.  
  
"Me too. I'm not gonna give up now. I came here to find someone very important to me."  
  
Darkness can be a cruel thing.  
  
  
_I lock myself up, unable to even atone   
I can't do anything but pray...my sadness is not cured_  
  
  
I wait in the entrance hall of the castle. The rain is clearer than ever, for I can hear it echoing through the hall. I finally have the Keyblade...  
  
What does it mean to me?  
  
...only that I have power...power over Sora.  
  
I want nothing more than to see him hurt...my light tainted, as I now am. He's hurt me in ways he will never realize.  
  
No...  
  
...I want him to return.  
  
The darkness screams inside of my heart, hatred attempting to replace love. Is this why I feel such things at the same time? Is this why I now hate the only person I am capable of loving so deeply, of the one I can't live without? Is this the work of the Heartless, of Maleficent?  
  
_//I'm just messing with him a little.//_  
  
A perfect lie.  
  
"You're the one who's supposed to have the Keyblade?" I hear an odd voice say. Standing before me is none other than Sora's new friends, the duck and the dog.  
  
"Yes. Sora doesn't deserve this." I hold it in my hands, the weapon that was rightfully mine.  
  
"We were to escape those islands. We built a raft the day before we would set sail, but I knew we would never be able to...the door had opened that night. Truly, I am the wielder of the Keyblade...its true master."  
  
  
_From the gently crying sky, I also heard your voice   
I laughed through gathering tears, but I couldn't see anything..._  
  
  
Sora.  
  
"Quit while you can." I say to him, my voice nearly lost.  
  
"No, not without Kairi."  
  
Kairi.  
  
Is she the only thing that you will ever care about? Kairi..and those two friends of yours? Do I mean nothing to you anymore, Sora? Does it not mean anything, that the darkness has manipulated me, and is eating away at my very heart, my soul becoming lost? Does ANY of this mean ANYTHING to you?  
  
Anger...hatred...darkness...  
  
"The darkness will destroy you."  
  
I'll make sure of that.  
  
"You're wrong, Riku...the darkness may destroy my body, but it can't touch my heart." Words that can only be spoken by the light.  
  
"My heart will stay with my friends. It'll never die!"  
  
I close my eyes to the darkness once more, forcing all my hate, the darkness within, towards Sora. You'll die...I'll make sure you will...you'll pay...for leaving me...for abandoning me...  
  
It never hit its target.  
  
Those damn friends of his.  
  
"How will you fight without a weapon?"  
  
"I know now I don't need the Keyblade. I've got a better weapon. My heart."  
  
...that will do nothing for you.  
  
"Your heart? What good will that weak little thing do for you?"  
  
"Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience, and it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then...if they don't forget me...then our hearts will be one."  
  
I felt a certain dying inside from his words.  
  
All the friends he's made.  
  
Nothing about me.  
  
Our hearts were never one, Sora...they never will be.  
  
And the Keyblade reverts back to you.  
  
I fight you to the bitter end...but as I expect...you win.  
  
  
_Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories   
Even the soundless smile is happy right now_  
  
  
I breathe.  
  
Has it begun to hurt?  
  
Memories...are too painful.  
  
I don't want to remember.  
  
I close my eyes, prepared to take the darkness within me. I will not surrender, not to Sora. The light flashes before my eyes, sharp pains within me, but I do not cry out. I only recall the night sky, the islands in which I used to live, that time when it was just us...just me and Sora. My heart is escaping from my body...only the power of the darkness will reside within me.  
  
Inside of the darkness, I feel that I can still love.  
  
No longer will anything be the same...Sora.  
  
And as I disappear for that final time, I remember only you...do I not feel hate anymore?  
  
I'm speaking from my heart, the one that is escaping, right?  
  
....because it still belongs to my light, my Sora...  
  
I am still with the light...still inside the light, even as we speak.  
  
I disappear....  
  
....I love you, Sora.  
  
  
_I can't return to that time ever again   
When we were laughing_  
  
Owari 


End file.
